I struggled this month for a topic to write about. Not gonna sugar coat it…I’ve been in a bit of a funk. Call it post treatment syndrome. Doctors at UCSF warned me about it. After months of nearly daily check ins from my health team – full of encouragement & nurturing, giving me confidence and a sense of well being – I now find myself a little adrift, on my own, wondering now what?
Well, now what looks like a routine of scans, labs, follow ups, medicine adjustments, etc. Boring stuff really. But it’s also about figuring out what my new normal is.
We recently returned from a family visit to Missouri where we enjoyed catching up with both sides of the family – visiting new homes, sharing meals, swapping stories around the kitchen table.
During the trip, we visited a cousin who has been in the hospital since last November following a terrible quad runner accident. What he has endured is unimaginable. He is living with real pain and real grief. We held his hands and prayed with him offering all the love & suport we could.
I was reminded of something Savannah Guthrie recently said in an interview…”If we ask, Why me? for the terrible things, then we also have to ask, “Why Me?” for the wonderful things?”
Easier said than done, right?
Joy & Grief … They feel like opposites, and yet they are both essential.
This past year – I’ve experienced them side by side:
- Grief at losing parts of myself I may never get back.
- Joy at getting through treatments and procedures with a relatively healthy outcome.
- Grief at the monotony of it all and at how much my “health” has taken over my life.
- Joy in new experiences I might never have pursued otherwise.
In this day & age of social media & tech most of us share only the Joy. We live in a world of FOMO and sometimes, it’s almost too much to take in. But at the same time, I find myself thinking – good for you— looks like you have a lot of Joy in your life.
Maybe grief has its place too. Maybe it’s part of the fabric of our lives – something that shapes us, pushes us to face what we might overwise avoid, and ultimately changes us.
Being with family in Missouri was a gentle reminder of what matters most. We returned to California with full hearts – grateful for the love, the connection, and yes, both the joy and the grief.
With love,
Laura
