The Waiting is the hardest part…

In the words of Tom Petty (RIP), the Waiting is the Hardest Part.  As I celebrate another birthday, I find having to “wait” is more challenging and I have less patience. Waiting in traffic, waiting to be seated at a restaurant (especially when I have reservations!), waiting in the doctors lobby.  Recently, I’ve spent a lot of time in doctor’s lobbies. First you wait in the lobby, they call your name, then, you wait for the Doctor in the examination room. Waiting. 

One thing they don’t tell you about cancer is how much time you spend waiting for the next steps in the process. They tell you you have cancer, and in my case, let the news hang in the air for a few weeks. Then there’s the first step, and the next step, and two side steps, all spanning across months that feel like years. 

Earlier this year, I noticed some changes in my left breast, where I had previously had a lumpectomy & radiation in 2012. I brushed off the changes as “aging” and waited for my yearly mammogram.  Life filled in the gap with a new dog, a briefly injured knee that took time away from the new dog, and the waiting seemed normal & bearable.

Eventually, the changes became something I could no longer ignore … A flurry of tests, scans and a biopsy confirmed it as Recurrent breast cancer, which kicked off a chain of events that began this spring and are still ongoing. In July, I underwent a mastectomy with breast reconstruction.  Weeks of rehab, a hospital stay with infection, and all the rest that goes with major surgery.  It was challenging, but the news from my surgeon that my margins and lymph nodes were clear – made it all worth it.   With great relief, I believed I was cancer free & would get back to my normal life—the waiting was over.

Later, it was explained that the size and aggressiveness of my tumor classified me as Stage 3 and I would need Chemotherapy to complete my treatment plan.  While this is disappointing, I’m still hopeful for good results as this is a common course of treatment.

Meanwhile, a breast MRI and PET scan revealed a small lesion on my left rib-adjacent to where my breast cancer had been.  This lesion is a bit of a mystery–it could be metastasized cancer, it could be a fracture?   Several doctors have been consulted and the treatment for this is debated. Which means, more tests, more consultations, more Waiting….

The waiting throughout all of this has been the hardest part—it gives me too much time to think & accumulate thoughts & ideas.  As someone who is a “planner” – the waiting part has put a squeeze on my planning part.

Finally, at my most recent appointment, a new doctor presented the idea that this being metastasized does not make sense  (yes, I like this doctor a lot!).   In that doctor’s office, at that moment, it occurred to me that this is the reason I’m having to “Wait”.    I’m in God’s hands & he has brought me to this doctor who is not interested in “checking a box”.  The waiting is about getting to the right place & it takes time. 

Most good things in life take time & require us to wait.  The Waiting is the hardest part — but in the waiting I’m gathering more info for a brighter prognosis. So while I wait for the next steps:  new scans, more info, Chemo to start, hair loss, etc….I also wait for fresh fall weather, holiday activities, & family gatherings.  I breathe and I wait…understanding that the waiting is a gift.  .   (it’s still hard!)